Still

There are times when life just plain sucks. Everyone battles different hardships throughout life that are inevitably going to happen: lives lost too soon, heartbreak, illnesses that are incurable, financial struggles, and everything in between. You can face these battles with or without God by your side and I have learned the hard way that things are so much easier with God. (Not that I didn't already know this, I am just stubborn. He knows. He knows I always have to learn things the hard way.) Having God doesn't mean that things are going to hurt less, because it still hurts tremendously. But having God and trusting in Him just gives this peace throughout the situation.

I'm about to be totally transparent with ya'll...

The past few months have been hard. Things have happened and my plans for my life have been absolutely torn apart at the seams. I have said time and time again that I trust God and that I know He has a plan. But really, I was just praying that God would work out my plans. 

And ya'll, I know my God is shaking His head and laughing at me. I can literally hear Him right now saying, "Um honey...no. Just be still and you will see that MY plan is so much greater than what you have."

I was at my breaking point. I had just had another major thing thrown at me that absolutely broke my heart. I was questioning God. I was wondering why things were so tough right now. And then I was in the car with my mom and 'Still' by Hillary Scott came across my iTunes and my mom and I both just sobbed. I mean the words just hit like a ton of bricks. 

'Cause I get scared when I can't see the end

And all you want from me is to let go

You're parting waters, making a way for me.

You're moving mountains that I can't even see.

You've answered my prayer before I even speak.

All You need for me to be is still.

When the tears were dried, I couldn't help but laugh. Ya'll those words could not have been more perfect for me at that exact moment. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I just looked up and said, "Okay God. I know! I hear you and I am done. I give you all of this pain and all of this suffering and I am trusting you, genuinely trusting you and your plan. I am going to be still." 

But along with trusting His plan, I had to let go of some of the anger and bitterness that I was feeling. This is where I began to struggle because I felt like in order to let go of some of that anger, I had to be wishing good things and happiness onto this person who has broke me, this person who I have let steal my joy. And I so did not wish them well. So I mentioned them a couple of times in my prayers because I felt it was my Christian duty to do so, but I never really meant it. So one night I just said, "God...you know how I am feeling about this person. I feel that I have a right to feel this way toward them and you know I do not want to wish them well. Instead, I am going to pray for their salvation. I am praying right now, that this person, through this mess, will turn and run full speed to you. That's it. And this is the last time I am praying for them." And you know what, ever since I said that prayer...I have not felt angry. I have not felt hurt. I have had this odd and unexplainable peace.

You see, through all of this, I have had to let God break me. I have taken all of my hurt and bitterness and gave these burdens to Him to carry for me. I simply cannot do it on my own. By laying it down at His feet, I have allowed God to take my broken pieces and mold me into what He wants for me.

Can I tell you, friend...when you are going through a storm in this life, it is so much easier to just stop. Be still. And give it to God. Get close to Him and listen. He will direct your steps in the right direction.

God has opened many doors for me and I know many more will be opening. Through my hurt and heartache, I have added a wonderful story to my testimony and I hope that one day I will be able to use my experience to minister to others who are hurting.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars; he gives to all of them their names. Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure."
Psalms 147:3-5