Still

There are times when life just plain sucks. Everyone battles different hardships throughout life that are inevitably going to happen: lives lost too soon, heartbreak, illnesses that are incurable, financial struggles, and everything in between. You can face these battles with or without God by your side and I have learned the hard way that things are so much easier with God. (Not that I didn't already know this, I am just stubborn. He knows. He knows I always have to learn things the hard way.) Having God doesn't mean that things are going to hurt less, because it still hurts tremendously. But having God and trusting in Him just gives this peace throughout the situation.

I'm about to be totally transparent with ya'll...

The past few months have been hard. Things have happened and my plans for my life have been absolutely torn apart at the seams. I have said time and time again that I trust God and that I know He has a plan. But really, I was just praying that God would work out my plans. 

And ya'll, I know my God is shaking His head and laughing at me. I can literally hear Him right now saying, "Um honey...no. Just be still and you will see that MY plan is so much greater than what you have."

I was at my breaking point. I had just had another major thing thrown at me that absolutely broke my heart. I was questioning God. I was wondering why things were so tough right now. And then I was in the car with my mom and 'Still' by Hillary Scott came across my iTunes and my mom and I both just sobbed. I mean the words just hit like a ton of bricks. 

'Cause I get scared when I can't see the end

And all you want from me is to let go

You're parting waters, making a way for me.

You're moving mountains that I can't even see.

You've answered my prayer before I even speak.

All You need for me to be is still.

When the tears were dried, I couldn't help but laugh. Ya'll those words could not have been more perfect for me at that exact moment. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I just looked up and said, "Okay God. I know! I hear you and I am done. I give you all of this pain and all of this suffering and I am trusting you, genuinely trusting you and your plan. I am going to be still." 

But along with trusting His plan, I had to let go of some of the anger and bitterness that I was feeling. This is where I began to struggle because I felt like in order to let go of some of that anger, I had to be wishing good things and happiness onto this person who has broke me, this person who I have let steal my joy. And I so did not wish them well. So I mentioned them a couple of times in my prayers because I felt it was my Christian duty to do so, but I never really meant it. So one night I just said, "God...you know how I am feeling about this person. I feel that I have a right to feel this way toward them and you know I do not want to wish them well. Instead, I am going to pray for their salvation. I am praying right now, that this person, through this mess, will turn and run full speed to you. That's it. And this is the last time I am praying for them." And you know what, ever since I said that prayer...I have not felt angry. I have not felt hurt. I have had this odd and unexplainable peace.

You see, through all of this, I have had to let God break me. I have taken all of my hurt and bitterness and gave these burdens to Him to carry for me. I simply cannot do it on my own. By laying it down at His feet, I have allowed God to take my broken pieces and mold me into what He wants for me.

Can I tell you, friend...when you are going through a storm in this life, it is so much easier to just stop. Be still. And give it to God. Get close to Him and listen. He will direct your steps in the right direction.

God has opened many doors for me and I know many more will be opening. Through my hurt and heartache, I have added a wonderful story to my testimony and I hope that one day I will be able to use my experience to minister to others who are hurting.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars; he gives to all of them their names. Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure."
Psalms 147:3-5

Nicaragua

In one month I will be returning to Nicaragua with my church family. Ya'll...I am so blessed to get to go on this trip. When we started planning this trip I did not think I was going to be able to go. I had just quit my job and was not able to afford the trip nor did I have enough time to raise money by the time we were going to buy tickets.

I was not the only one in this situation. Two of my very close friends were not going to be able to go, and if I somehow came up with the money to go, only one of my parents were going to be able to go (because, you know, my parents are a little overprotective and they just can't stand the thought of me traveling to a foreign country without one of them tagging along).

One thing led to another and the date for us to purchase tickets got pushed back A WHOLE MONTH! That left me one single month to raise money to go on this mission trip. A dear friend of mine (who was also not able to afford the expenses of the trip due to being a broke as a joke college kid, like me) and I hosted two paint parties at my church, sold sheets, and sold t-shirts, and the outpouring of love we felt from our friends and family was so humbling. 

I also had two people who are very dear to my heart contribute to my mission trip with very generous donations. These people donated this money out of the goodness of their heart solely for me to get my feet on the ground in Nicaragua and spread God's love. All along I had been questioning if God wanted me to go on this trip or not and when I received these donations, I could do nothing but cry because that was a clear sign to me that God wanted me there. 

My trip was paid for in full by people who bought sheets, bought shirts, attended paint parties, and made donations and for that I am forever grateful. There are no amount of words that can describe how blessed I am to have people in my life who support and encourage me the way these people do.

NOT ONLY am I getting to go to Nicaragua, but BOTH of my very good friends are getting to go, as well as BOTH of my parents!! 

GOD IS SO GOOD!

In exactly one month I will have my feet on the ground in this country that has a huge part of my heart. Our current plans are to host a VBS, feed the villages, and have one on one time with families where we distribute necessities and talk to them about God and His love for them. I am so PUMPED to see what God has in store for us this time. 

I pray that I get to see and love on all of my babies that I have grown to love so much over previous trips. I pray that God will use us and that we will lead people to Him. I pray that through the people on this team, the people of Nicaragua will feel an outpouring of Jesus' love. 

Please be in prayer for me and the rest of the team as we prepare for this journey! Our team could still use donations of flip flops, shorts, t-shirts, hygiene items, ramen noodles, and plastic bowls. Most of all...PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!! 

Praising Him in the Silence

Why am I here? What is my purpose on this earth? What is God's plan for me?

I find myself asking these questions a lot here lately. I have prayed and prayed for God to take control of my life and lead me in the right direction. I definitely feel like God is preparing me for something big. A big move, a big step, a big change. But, I am not exactly sure what.

I have these quick glimpses of what I think my future may look like. In every glimpse I am surrounded with children. Ya'll...I am so passionate about children. If you know me personally, you know that I have always loved kids, even when I was a kid myself. I know that whatever God's plan is for me, it is to be working with children.

One of the main things that I have been struggling with lately is whether or not I am interpreting God's message correctly. I wonder if I am interpreting His words with an 'earth filled' mind. Am I the only one who wishes God would send down a big, red, flashing sign that says, "HERE IS YOUR PURPOSE!" Because, seriously...that would be nice.

In my devotional, Wholeheartedly, there have been several studies that have spoke to me. Really, this is some good stuff. Here are a few highlights of what I have taken from these lessons.

SILENCE: *God will allow us to have a glimpse of the big plan every once in awhile to strengthen our faith. It has been my prayer that in this silence, in this time of wondering, that God will help me to be still and rejoice because I know that God has a great plan in store. Psalm 27:14 Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage.

FAITHFUL: When I have faith in God and in His plan for my life, I find myself at peace with all the crazy and all the uncertainties. Trusting in God's perfect plan takes away the stress and worry. Isaiah 26:3 You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

GUIDE: The Lord will be my guide always, I just have to stay close to Him and His word. *Our job is to listen and obey. The more responsive we are to the Holy Spirit's guiding, the more we will hear what he is saying. Psalm 143:10 Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. Let your spirit lead me on level ground. Isaiah 58:11 The Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong.

OBEY: *To obey is to submit to the command of another and coming from God, the command will always be for our own good. No matter how scary God's plan for me may be, I know that it is for my own good and ultimately for His glory. Luke 11:28 Blessed are those who hear the word of God and keep it.

HOPE: *We need to acknowledge His almighty power and his ability to use us even through our missteps in life. I have often wondered if somewhere along the way I have messed up and did not do something God wanted me to do, because I know that I have messed up a whole lot in this short life I have lived. Is that why I am kind of stuck in this silence? Psalm 138:8 The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; your steadfast love endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands. Job 42:2 I know that you can do all things and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. (I had to google that word...it means prevented.) Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.

Ya'll, that last verse. "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand." God will wreck your plans, to fulfill His. No matter how many times you have messed up in this life, God still has a plan for you. You still have a purpose on this earth. Pray, walk closer with God, read His word and that purpose will be revealed to you.

Dependence

My lovely sister gave me a devotional for Christmas called, Wholeheartedly-A Devotional for Singles. I have not completed this devotional yet, but let me tell you...this stuff is GOOD!

Today's study was on dependence. That is not a word that strong-willed, independent girls like myself like to hear. I mean, I have been taught to never have to depend on a man, or anyone for that matter, for anything. My independence, although sometimes pure stubbornness, is something I take pride in.

Ya'll...this devotional titled dependence. This has rocked my world.

When I go through hard times and times of weakness, I typically lock myself in my room and try to come up with solutions for all my problems. When I reach a breaking point in my life and I need to talk to someone, the people I usually turn to are friends and family, co-workers, my notebook, literally anyone who will listen to me rant. The key word in that sentence is 'listen', because I don't need anyone's advice. Hello, I can handle my own problems.

WRONG!

I know that my God is looking at me and shaking His head. 

*Dependence is a beautiful state where the Lord's glory shines. Embrace your need for the Savior and look forward to all that He will do.

I cannot find joy in anything other than my Lord and Savior. I cannot find peace trying to fix all my problems on my own. I cannot find rest in ranting to everyone about my problems. 

I NEED JESUS!!

He is the only one who can fix this crazy, train-wreck that I call my life. I need to fully rely on God and His perfect will for my life. He will totally and completely wreck my plans so that I can fulfill His plans. *When we are faced with uncertainty, we are given the opportunity to experience a dependence on the Father that makes us stronger than our strongest self. Stronger than our strongest self...wow! I don't know about ya'll, but sometimes I feel like I am Rocky and I can take on the world. But when I rely on Jesus for every single thing, I can become even stronger. When I rely on Jesus and lay my problems at His feet, I can feel peace. When I talk to my Father, the single person who will never let me down, I can find rest. God already has a plan for my life that I cannot even begin to comprehend. His great plan is so much better than my measly, little plan for my life. 

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10